Tagged: General

The Definitive Guide to Fauxing Wine Snobbery

After the Pulitzer Prize-winning success of my prior Definitive Guide, I’ve authored a new list for dealing with a much-lamented type of person: the wine snob. When dealing with a wine snob, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Level 2 Somm or on your 3rd fake i.d., the formula for putting said snob in their place is always the same: 3 parts wit to 1 part bitchiness with a dash of B.S. and garnish of actual facts.

The Definitive Guide to Fauxing Wine Snobbery

aka how to out-snob the snob

fuck yo grapes


1. The “Oh you’ve never had….” snob

Some bish tries to pull this on you, sideswipe them with a simple yet classic one-up maneuver.

In this particular case, I like to pull out the red sancerre card.

I choose you, red Sancerre!

I choose you, Sancerre Rouge

**      **      **      **      **      **

Steps of service in one-upping a snob:

Snob: “Oh you’ve never had Dkaizfivnoeapiozejwia?”

You: *nod*, *smile*, *glance away like you see something more interesting than this stupid conversation*, “What about red Sancerre? That’s fabulous.”

Note: Under any circumstance, do not acknowledge the enemy and their petty suggestion as to what you should be drinking. They’re wrong. The end.

Snob

**      **      **      **      **      **

FYI red Sancerre/Sancerre rouge is pinot noir (remember this fact with “Noir from the Loire”, it rhymes, easy peasy). Without getting into too much detail, Sancerre rouge is a light-bodied red that’s super drinkable, most often affordable and impossible to dislike. It’s like the Uniqlo of wine.

Oh, what about producers they (/you) ask? Well, in any area where I’m unfamiliar and making sweeping statements about grandiose subjects (i.e., wine suggestions à la minute, the Korea demilitarized zone, etc.) I always go with my buddy Kermit.

kermit

Wrong Kermit.

No, not that Kermit, my friend. I’m talking about the one, the only, Kermit Lynch.

Kermit Lynch, the right choice those who can't make a choice.

Kermit Lynch, the right choice for those who can’t make a choice.

I could write for eons about dear Kermie but for now I will merely say his selections are superior and should always be trusted. If it’s imported by Kermit, it’s sure to be a swell swig.

Some of Kermit’s red Sancerres include:

Domaine Hippolyte Reverdy

domainehippoylteand

Daniel Chotard

danielchotard

Continuer s’il vous plait.

2. The Pairing snob

White with fish, red with meat is one of the most rudimentary pairing rules people learn early on and for those who stick to this particularly binding rule, that person is likely to develop quite a pairing snob complex.

These people will most often try and trick you by getting you to flub on the stereotypichal-but-not-always-true primary pairing rule of white and red wines. Public school sluts.

Add people who follow traditional wine rules to that list, Ja'mie.

Add: People who follow traditional wine rules to that list

First of all, there are plenty of other way better pairing rules to go by like “If it grows together, it goes together” (i.e. suggesting pairing regional foods with regional wines).

Truth be told, pairing rules are not always what they appear

Notastheyappear

Thus, when you are put in such a predicament by a pairing snob – here are go-to wines for when someone decides they want to wear drink white after labor day.

**      **      **      **      **      **

Reds for traditionally white wine foods

  • Pinot Noir – preferably California or Oregon but a red Burgundy could fly too as long as it’s not too funky
  • Beaujolais
  • Barbera d’Alba
  • Rioja
  • light-bodied Chianti – but choose wisely

Whites for traditionally red wine foods

  • Riesling
  • Gewurztraminer – one from Alsace would be preferred
  • Sherry – oloroso or amontillado
  • Viognier
  • Pinot Gris
  • Greco di Tufo – especially with pork
  • Chardonnay – varying degrees of oakiness could work

**      **      **      **      **      **

Although these suggestions are strictly based on the main protein you will be eating, there are more ways to circumvent this particular form of snob that we shall address at another time. (Preview suggestions: disregard the protein and focus on the sauce and/or protein preparation when it comes time to choose the wine pairing.)

3. The “This is corked” snob

True, it is said that perhaps 1 in 100 bottles of wine are corked.

youdontsay

You’ll know if a wine is corked aka tainted with TCA aka 2,4,6- trichloroanisole because it smells like (to varying degrees depending on the amount of contamination) wet cardboard that has been sitting in deep, dark, dank cellar for an extended period of time.

got vom

Even this most experienced wine drinker wants to be like

THEREFORE/HOWEVER whilst speaking in terms of snobbery, let’s say this person is totally WRONG. What drove them to this damning declaration of cockiness corkiness?

Maybe their tastes just weren’t as sophisticated as they thought. Maybe their enthusiasm in ordering the most expensive wine on the menu (most likely that Grand Cru Red Burgundy bought on auction for a gazillion doll hairs) was met with a bottle whose flavor profile resembled an earth pie made by mixing 1 part fresh dirt, 2 parts pig’s blood (fresh not frozen), 1/8th horse manure, and a sprinkle of unicorn. Delicious, yet not for the inexperienced.

And you can't taste the difference between corked and properly aged wines.

And you can’t taste the difference between corked and properly cellared wines.

If this is the scenario you find yourself in, and the snob did indeed order this allegedly-corked-not-actually-corked wine, then the snob is most likely paying for it (no credit card roulette please). Thus, give a knowing eye to the Somm, acknowledging you know what they know, and move along with your meal.

Build a bridge, get over it, and let this snob suffer the tragic consequences of their actions.

dorsia2

In Vino Veritas – what your favorite wine says about you

Find out what your favorite wine says about you (according to me).

And so we begin...

Shall we begin?

1. Merlot = I‘m a mom.

She thinks.

She thinks.

But actually...

But actually…

It's more like this.

It’s more like this.

2. Malbec = You’re desperately trying to not become your mother (yet will eventually become her anyway).

regina

Time to face the facts.

Time to face the facts. It’s happening.

3. New York Riesling = You’re a Cornell sorority gal who’s livin’ the life one themed mixer at a time. But it’s fine, because last week your favorite wine was Peach Andre, so you’re totally moving on up.

soph

4. Jam Jar = I exclusively date guys from Tinder.

jamjar

Dates Tinder Stuart. Drinks Jam Jar. Licks squirrels in Washington Square Park.

Dates Tinder Stuart. Drinks Jam Jar. Licks squirrels in Washington Square Park.

5. Champagne = Classy bitch.

lilkim

6. “Champagne” ie California sparkling wine, Prosecco, Cava = Dates by resume. Marries by contract.

kk

7. California Cab = I’m Beth’s mom. (This was an easy one, admittedly.)

One of only 3 known photos in existence.
One of only three known photos in existence.

8. Orange wines = You’re such a hipster it hurts. How does it feel taking the L-train everyday to go to work? Good, right? Do you exit the Bedford Ave. stop with such pride that your aura of self righteousness and cool is palatable? Yeah, I though so.

You say things like this.

You say things like this.

Or this.

Or this.

9. Pinot Noir – New World = You are too afraid to admit to me and the world what you actually drink on the reg (it’s totally merlot) and/or you have no sense of adventure.

Exactly.

Exactly.

10. Pinot Noir – Old World ie Red Burgundy = Congratulations on your fine taste and appreciation for blood/horse shit/animal carcass/forest floor-flavored wine. We can be friends.

bff

11. Screaming Eagle = So you’re on the list too? Feel free to message me for my personal information/I’m totally single.

screamingeagle

sexywink

Call me, maybe?

Actually it probably looks more like this. Honesty is the best policy in any relationship.

Actually it probably looks more like this. Honesty is the best policy in any relationship, future husband with Screaming Eagle membership.

12. Arbor Mist

Arbor Mist

If this is you…

Then this is me.

Then this is me.

Happy Monday!

cheers

Vintage Post: If Looks Could Kale – The Trendiness Ensues

More vintage goodness from the archives! Below is a throwback post from Beth Food Ever 1.0 circa 2013 for your reading pleasure. 

We’ve discussed my trendiness and its tendency to make me want to vomit. I’m not sure why it keeps coming up but I believe it may have something to do with that recent week I spent in suburbia…

clintew

I’m glad we don’t have to discuss it again.

imdone

Moving along, I’m now going to broach on a topic that is the epitome of trendiness: kale.

kale1

When you, as in you I mean kale: the food, are being made into puns (see title), it means you’ve hit the big time buddy.

autograph

You famous.

bigstar

Obviously, people who “know food” have “known kale” (not biblically speaking, but I have heard in some sects of co-op groceries…) for a very long-time.

notgroupies

It is only recently that the people who frequent Applebee’s two or more times per week (statistically speaking),

applebees

drive a P.T. Cruiser (again, the statistics don’t lie),

ptcruiserlift

and consider Domino’s their “local” pizza joint have discovered this superfood…

dominos

Not to generalize and/or stereotype or anything.

notjudgemental

Moving along, part deux: kale edition.

kale2

I have loved kale before kale was kale so I’m just going to ignore all the haters a la Gwynny-P and show you some dank ass kale shnit.

Screen shot 2013-11-30 at 1.42.52 AMPreach, my kale loving soul sister from another mister.

preach

One of the most convenient and crunchy ways to eat kale is kale chips.

bradskalechips

But, kale chips in the grocery store are so gross (like SO gross) and so expensive (like SO expensive) that I literally want to scream at everyone who picks them up with their smug faces being all smug “DO YOU LIKE DRIED BABY VOMIT THAT COSTS $15 FOR .25 OUNCES, DO YOU???”

wipethatface

With the current pricing structure – strictly speaking on a pound-for-pound basis – kale chips sold at grocery stores are more valuable than gold, cocaine, white truffles from Alba, doll hairs, and this girl’s virginity.

Screen shot 2013-12-01 at 4.22.17 PM

Fact.

neverwrong

Believe it or not, even though grocery store kale chips are the epitome of grossness, homemade kale chips are flipping delicious and actually super easy to make so you can whip a batch up on the reg for reals.

believethatyoucandoit

The recipe I’m going to present right now will change your life forever. You’re welcome.

KALE CHIPS DONE RIGHT

You’ll need:

  • 1 bunch Lacinato/Dinosaur/Tuscan Kale
  • 1 tablespoon Extra Virgin Olive Oil
  • 2 baking sheets
  • 1 large bowl
  • Kosher salt

1. Preheat oven to 250°F. Derib your kale, discarding the ribs and stems. The stems and ribs get woody and gross when you bake them so just trust me on this one.

soimportant

You should end up with nice big strips of kale.

2. Place the prepared kale in a large bowl and toss with extra virgin olive oil until each kale leaf is coated and lightly slicked with the oil.

3. Divide the kale evenly among the two baking sheets, arranging them in a single layer. No double stacking! Sprinkle the kale with kosher salt. Bake them at 250°F for 50 minutes to 1 hour until done.

howsure

You know the kale chips are done because they’ll be super crispy, wafer thin, and tasty tasty nom nom.

mmmmm

*       *       *        HOSTRESS TIP        *       *       * 

I like to arrange the finished kale chips in a vase or tall glass so they maintain their crispy, long shape. It’s a great edible centerpiece alternative to fleurs.

kaleinvase

ALSO I’d like to address the seasoning options you have with homemade kale chips ie beyond the obvious salt. The seasoning possibilities are utterly maddening!

crazylaugh

Mix your flavors up by simply buying one of those handy-dandy one-time-use-only pre-made spice mixes at the grocery store.

Some flavors to try:

  • Ranch
  • Taco
  • Cajun
  • French Onion

Expand your mind. There’s a world of possibilities out there.

spinningglobe

*       *       *        20-SOMETHING TIP        *       *       * 

Make a batch before a night out on the town with your gal pals

lenadance

so you have some low-cal drunchie food to come home to.

eatingpiggingout

It’s crunchy, salty, and you can eat a ton of it.

tacobell

(Should’ve made the kale chips)

AND you can still hit up that bloody mary brunch the next day with said gal pals and not be forced to order the shitty fruit plate sans Greek yogurt, sans honey, sans organic flax chia acai granola out of post-drunchie guilt.

cheesefries

We’ve all been there.

agreetswift

From all walks of life (and/or walks of shame).

totalljerseyshore

But we don’t have to go back.

toodaloo

Thanks to kale chips.

eatmorekale

Feast or Fashion?

Hello Lovelies,

Je sais it has been almost a fortnight since we last spoke but I’ve had other pressing matters on my plate i.e. WORK and WERK and more TWERK. Oh le travaille….

My condition: too much Blink 182 as a child.

My condition: too much Blink 182 as a child.

The good news is that this brief break in scribe has granted me time to receive a plethora of fan mail directed to your’s truly and I plan to address said fan mail in today’s post.

mail

Dear Beth,

With Fall approaching, I’m slowly breaking into my autumn garb.

My question is: Is it P.C. to wear the fur of the same animal you are eating?

Sincerely,

The Furry Fashionista

xxx

*                             *                             *                             *                             *

Dearest Readress,

Thank you so much for your question. I am glad you are relying on the expertise of the Hostress to solve your fashion dilemma in a fashionably appropriate time frame. For, if you were to make the wrong decision and not consult me, you would risk being friendless and most likely banned from all realms of acceptable society by the next Harvest Moon and end up potentially looking like this:

Inappro

Inappro

Some people might be like this:

davidbowiesexy

But they’d be lying.

Totally me. Sick aviators, obvi.

Totally me. Sick aviators, obvi.

Now let’s get down to the ‘meat’ of the matter and answer the question…

noyes

The answer to your feast or fashion when it comes down to it is a resounding YES.

Still no excuse to look like a WW2 tranny, Adam

Still no excuse to look like a WW2 tranny, Adam

Fall, oh Fall, how thou art fast approaching. I must say, Fall is my favorite time of year as it is one of the only times during the year when you can make the ultimate pairing: fur & food. It is quite an experience – to be wearing an animal whilst consuming its brethren.

hannibal1

Dearest Readers, you don’t have to sacrifice feast for fashion – you can have it all.

daswassup

You see, it shows respect for the animal as you engage in what we in the culinary world like to refer to as “whole beast” dining. As the Hostress, I do declare it’s time to break out your favorite furs and fearlessly pair them with your favorite cuts.

Here are some sample scenarios:

Going for that steak for four at Peter Luger?

Channel Leatherface à la Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Dat hair. Dat ass.

Dat hair. It’s like a mighty lion soaring into the heavens.

For the more traditional diner, I recommend going for more of a Midnight Cowboy-inspired ensemble.

Tres Rive Gauche. As in, the guy on the left.

Tres Rive Gauche. As in, the guy on the left.

Holla holla holla

Holla holla holla

Going for mystery meat in Korea Town?

Channel Cher’s backpack in Clueless.

At least you wouldn't skin a collie to make your backpack? Not so fast, Cher...

At least you wouldn’t skin a collie to make your backpack? Not so fast, Cher…

Carpaccio at Il Mulino?

Only one appropriate dress for that.

meatdress

Veal breast at Ai Fiori?

May or may not get you arrested. Wrecking ball not included.

May or may not get you arrested. Wrecking ball not included.

Hopefully, you get the idea by now…

The only word to describe such conscience pairings?

delicious

Also, don’t forget to accessorize.

Something along these lines should be appro.

Something along these lines should be appro.

And finally: Don’t go overboard. Pairing feast & fashion takes a discerning eye.

A discerning eye is necessary when pairing feast and fashion.

*                             *                             *                             *                             *

This post was written in honor of my main bish/fur queen G-Mac.

See: ball of the fur on the right.

See: ball of the fur on the right.