The Definitive Guide to Fauxing Wine Snobbery
aka how to out-snob the snob
1. The “Oh you’ve never had….” snob
Some bish tries to pull this on you, sideswipe them with a simple yet classic one-up maneuver.
In this particular case, I like to pull out the red sancerre card.
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Steps of service in one-upping a snob:
Snob: “Oh you’ve never had Dkaizfivnoeapiozejwia?”
You: *nod*, *smile*, *glance away like you see something more interesting than this stupid conversation*, “What about red Sancerre? That’s fabulous.”
Note: Under any circumstance, do not acknowledge the enemy and their petty suggestion as to what you should be drinking. They’re wrong. The end.
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FYI red Sancerre/Sancerre rouge is pinot noir (remember this fact with “Noir from the Loire”, it rhymes, easy peasy). Without getting into too much detail, Sancerre rouge is a light-bodied red that’s super drinkable, most often affordable and impossible to dislike. It’s like the Uniqlo of wine.
Oh, what about producers they (/you) ask? Well, in any area where I’m unfamiliar and making sweeping statements about grandiose subjects (i.e., wine suggestions à la minute, the Korea demilitarized zone, etc.) I always go with my buddy Kermit.
No, not that Kermit, my friend. I’m talking about the one, the only, Kermit Lynch.
I could write for eons about dear Kermie but for now I will merely say his selections are superior and should always be trusted. If it’s imported by Kermit, it’s sure to be a swell swig.
Some of Kermit’s red Sancerres include:
Continuer s’il vous plait.
2. The Pairing snob
White with fish, red with meat is one of the most rudimentary pairing rules people learn early on and for those who stick to this particularly binding rule, that person is likely to develop quite a pairing snob complex.
These people will most often try and trick you by getting you to flub on the stereotypichal-but-not-always-true primary pairing rule of white and red wines.
Public school sluts.
First of all, there are plenty of other way better pairing rules to go by like “If it grows together, it goes together” (i.e. suggesting pairing regional foods with regional wines).
Truth be told, pairing rules are not always what they appear
Thus, when you are put in such a predicament by a pairing snob – here are go-to wines for when someone decides they want to
wear drink white after labor day.
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Reds for traditionally white wine foods
- Pinot Noir – preferably California or Oregon but a red Burgundy could fly too as long as it’s not too funky
- Barbera d’Alba
- light-bodied Chianti – but choose wisely
Whites for traditionally red wine foods
- Gewurztraminer – one from Alsace would be preferred
- Sherry – oloroso or amontillado
- Pinot Gris
- Greco di Tufo – especially with pork
- Chardonnay – varying degrees of oakiness could work
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Although these suggestions are strictly based on the main protein you will be eating, there are more ways to circumvent this particular form of snob that we shall address at another time. (Preview suggestions: disregard the protein and focus on the sauce and/or protein preparation when it comes time to choose the wine pairing.)
3. The “This is corked” snob
True, it is said that perhaps 1 in 100 bottles of wine are corked.
You’ll know if a wine is corked aka tainted with TCA aka 2,4,6- trichloroanisole because it smells like (to varying degrees depending on the amount of contamination) wet cardboard that has been sitting in deep, dark, dank cellar for an extended period of time.
THEREFORE/HOWEVER whilst speaking in terms of snobbery, let’s say this person is totally WRONG. What drove them to this damning declaration of
Maybe their tastes just weren’t as sophisticated as they thought. Maybe their enthusiasm in ordering the most expensive wine on the menu (most likely that Grand Cru Red Burgundy bought on auction for a gazillion doll hairs) was met with a bottle whose flavor profile resembled an earth pie made by mixing 1 part fresh dirt, 2 parts pig’s blood (fresh not frozen), 1/8th horse manure, and a sprinkle of unicorn. Delicious, yet not for the inexperienced.
If this is the scenario you find yourself in, and the snob did indeed order this allegedly-corked-not-actually-corked wine, then the snob is most likely paying for it (no credit card roulette please). Thus, give a knowing eye to the Somm, acknowledging you know what they know, and move along with your meal.
Build a bridge, get over it, and let this snob suffer the tragic consequences of their actions.
Find out what your favorite wine says about you (according to me).
Shall we begin?
1. Merlot = I‘m a mom.
2. Malbec = You’re desperately trying to not become your mother (yet will eventually become her anyway).
3. New York Riesling = You’re a Cornell sorority gal who’s livin’ the life one themed mixer at a time. But it’s fine, because last week your favorite wine was Peach Andre, so you’re totally moving on up.
4. Jam Jar = I exclusively date guys from Tinder.
5. Champagne = Classy bitch.
6. “Champagne” ie California sparkling wine, Prosecco, Cava = Dates by resume. Marries by contract.
7. California Cab = I’m Beth’s mom. (This was an easy one, admittedly.)
- One of only three known photos in existence.
8. Orange wines = You’re such a hipster it hurts. How does it feel taking the L-train everyday to go to work? Good, right? Do you exit the Bedford Ave. stop with such pride that your aura of self righteousness and cool is palatable? Yeah, I though so.
9. Pinot Noir – New World = You are too afraid to admit to me and the world what you actually drink on the reg (it’s totally merlot) and/or you have no sense of adventure.
10. Pinot Noir – Old World ie Red Burgundy = Congratulations on your fine taste and appreciation for blood/horse shit/animal carcass/forest floor-flavored wine. We can be friends.
11. Screaming Eagle = So you’re on the list too? Feel free to message me for my personal information/I’m totally single.
12. Arbor Mist
More vintage goodness from the archives! Below is a throwback post from Beth Food Ever 1.0 circa 2013 for your reading pleasure.
We’ve discussed my trendiness and its tendency to make me want to vomit. I’m not sure why it keeps coming up but I believe it may have something to do with that recent week I spent in suburbia…
I’m glad we don’t have to discuss it again.
Moving along, I’m now going to broach on a topic that is the epitome of trendiness: kale.
When you, as in you I mean kale: the food, are being made into puns (see title), it means you’ve hit the big time buddy.
Obviously, people who “know food” have “known kale” (not biblically speaking, but I have heard in some sects of co-op groceries…) for a very long-time.
It is only recently that the people who frequent Applebee’s two or more times per week (statistically speaking),
drive a P.T. Cruiser (again, the statistics don’t lie),
and consider Domino’s their “local” pizza joint have discovered this superfood…
Not to generalize and/or stereotype or anything.
Moving along, part deux: kale edition.
I have loved kale before kale was kale so I’m just going to ignore all the haters a la Gwynny-P and show you some dank ass kale shnit.
Preach, my kale loving soul sister from another mister.
One of the most convenient and crunchy ways to eat kale is kale chips.
But, kale chips in the grocery store are so gross (like SO gross) and so expensive (like SO expensive) that I literally want to scream at everyone who picks them up with their smug faces being all smug “DO YOU LIKE DRIED BABY VOMIT THAT COSTS $15 FOR .25 OUNCES, DO YOU???”
With the current pricing structure – strictly speaking on a pound-for-pound basis – kale chips sold at grocery stores are more valuable than gold, cocaine, white truffles from Alba, doll hairs, and this girl’s virginity.
Believe it or not, even though grocery store kale chips are the epitome of grossness, homemade kale chips are flipping delicious and actually super easy to make so you can whip a batch up on the reg for reals.
The recipe I’m going to present right now will change your life forever. You’re welcome.
KALE CHIPS DONE RIGHT
- 1 bunch Lacinato/Dinosaur/Tuscan Kale
- 1 tablespoon Extra Virgin Olive Oil
- 2 baking sheets
- 1 large bowl
- Kosher salt
1. Preheat oven to 250°F. Derib your kale, discarding the ribs and stems. The stems and ribs get woody and gross when you bake them so just trust me on this one.
You should end up with nice big strips of kale.
2. Place the prepared kale in a large bowl and toss with extra virgin olive oil until each kale leaf is coated and lightly slicked with the oil.
3. Divide the kale evenly among the two baking sheets, arranging them in a single layer. No double stacking! Sprinkle the kale with kosher salt. Bake them at 250°F for 50 minutes to 1 hour until done.
You know the kale chips are done because they’ll be super crispy, wafer thin, and tasty tasty nom nom.
* * * HOSTRESS TIP * * *
I like to arrange the finished kale chips in a vase or tall glass so they maintain their crispy, long shape. It’s a great edible centerpiece alternative to fleurs.
ALSO I’d like to address the seasoning options you have with homemade kale chips ie beyond the obvious salt. The seasoning possibilities are utterly maddening!
Mix your flavors up by simply buying one of those handy-dandy one-time-use-only pre-made spice mixes at the grocery store.
Some flavors to try:
- French Onion
Expand your mind. There’s a world of possibilities out there.
* * * 20-SOMETHING TIP * * *
Make a batch before a night out on the town with your gal pals
so you have some low-cal drunchie food to come home to.
It’s crunchy, salty, and you can eat a ton of it.
(Should’ve made the kale chips)
AND you can still hit up that bloody mary brunch the next day with said gal pals and not be forced to order the shitty fruit plate sans Greek yogurt, sans honey, sans organic flax chia acai granola out of post-drunchie guilt.
We’ve all been there.
From all walks of life (and/or walks of shame).
But we don’t have to go back.
Thanks to kale chips.
Je sais it has been almost a fortnight since we last spoke but I’ve had other pressing matters on my plate i.e. WORK and WERK and more TWERK. Oh le travaille….
The good news is that this brief break in scribe has granted me time to receive a plethora of fan mail directed to your’s truly and I plan to address said fan mail in today’s post.
With Fall approaching, I’m slowly breaking into my autumn garb.
My question is: Is it P.C. to wear the fur of the same animal you are eating?
The Furry Fashionista
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Thank you so much for your question. I am glad you are relying on the expertise of the Hostress to solve your fashion dilemma in a fashionably appropriate time frame. For, if you were to make the wrong decision and not consult me, you would risk being friendless and most likely banned from all realms of acceptable society by the next Harvest Moon and end up potentially looking like this:
Some people might be like this:
But they’d be lying.
Now let’s get down to the ‘meat’ of the matter and answer the question…
The answer to your feast or fashion when it comes down to it is a resounding YES.
Fall, oh Fall, how thou art fast approaching. I must say, Fall is my favorite time of year as it is one of the only times during the year when you can make the ultimate pairing: fur & food. It is quite an experience – to be wearing an animal whilst consuming its brethren.
Dearest Readers, you don’t have to sacrifice feast for fashion – you can have it all.
You see, it shows respect for the animal as you engage in what we in the culinary world like to refer to as “whole beast” dining. As the Hostress, I do declare it’s time to break out your favorite furs and fearlessly pair them with your favorite cuts.
Here are some sample scenarios:
Going for that steak for four at Peter Luger?
Channel Leatherface à la Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
For the more traditional diner, I recommend going for more of a Midnight Cowboy-inspired ensemble.
Going for mystery meat in Korea Town?
Channel Cher’s backpack in Clueless.
Carpaccio at Il Mulino?
Only one appropriate dress for that.
Veal breast at Ai Fiori?
Hopefully, you get the idea by now…
The only word to describe such conscience pairings?
Also, don’t forget to accessorize.
And finally: Don’t go overboard. Pairing feast & fashion takes a discerning eye.
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This post was written in honor of my main bish/fur queen G-Mac.