Tagged: pairing

The Definitive Guide to Fauxing Wine Snobbery

After the Pulitzer Prize-winning success of my prior Definitive Guide, I’ve authored a new list for dealing with a much-lamented type of person: the wine snob. When dealing with a wine snob, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Level 2 Somm or on your 3rd fake i.d., the formula for putting said snob in their place is always the same: 3 parts wit to 1 part bitchiness with a dash of B.S. and garnish of actual facts.

The Definitive Guide to Fauxing Wine Snobbery

aka how to out-snob the snob

fuck yo grapes


1. The “Oh you’ve never had….” snob

Some bish tries to pull this on you, sideswipe them with a simple yet classic one-up maneuver.

In this particular case, I like to pull out the red sancerre card.

I choose you, red Sancerre!

I choose you, Sancerre Rouge

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Steps of service in one-upping a snob:

Snob: “Oh you’ve never had Dkaizfivnoeapiozejwia?”

You: *nod*, *smile*, *glance away like you see something more interesting than this stupid conversation*, “What about red Sancerre? That’s fabulous.”

Note: Under any circumstance, do not acknowledge the enemy and their petty suggestion as to what you should be drinking. They’re wrong. The end.

Snob

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FYI red Sancerre/Sancerre rouge is pinot noir (remember this fact with “Noir from the Loire”, it rhymes, easy peasy). Without getting into too much detail, Sancerre rouge is a light-bodied red that’s super drinkable, most often affordable and impossible to dislike. It’s like the Uniqlo of wine.

Oh, what about producers they (/you) ask? Well, in any area where I’m unfamiliar and making sweeping statements about grandiose subjects (i.e., wine suggestions à la minute, the Korea demilitarized zone, etc.) I always go with my buddy Kermit.

kermit

Wrong Kermit.

No, not that Kermit, my friend. I’m talking about the one, the only, Kermit Lynch.

Kermit Lynch, the right choice those who can't make a choice.

Kermit Lynch, the right choice for those who can’t make a choice.

I could write for eons about dear Kermie but for now I will merely say his selections are superior and should always be trusted. If it’s imported by Kermit, it’s sure to be a swell swig.

Some of Kermit’s red Sancerres include:

Domaine Hippolyte Reverdy

domainehippoylteand

Daniel Chotard

danielchotard

Continuer s’il vous plait.

2. The Pairing snob

White with fish, red with meat is one of the most rudimentary pairing rules people learn early on and for those who stick to this particularly binding rule, that person is likely to develop quite a pairing snob complex.

These people will most often try and trick you by getting you to flub on the stereotypichal-but-not-always-true primary pairing rule of white and red wines. Public school sluts.

Add people who follow traditional wine rules to that list, Ja'mie.

Add: People who follow traditional wine rules to that list

First of all, there are plenty of other way better pairing rules to go by like “If it grows together, it goes together” (i.e. suggesting pairing regional foods with regional wines).

Truth be told, pairing rules are not always what they appear

Notastheyappear

Thus, when you are put in such a predicament by a pairing snob – here are go-to wines for when someone decides they want to wear drink white after labor day.

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Reds for traditionally white wine foods

  • Pinot Noir – preferably California or Oregon but a red Burgundy could fly too as long as it’s not too funky
  • Beaujolais
  • Barbera d’Alba
  • Rioja
  • light-bodied Chianti – but choose wisely

Whites for traditionally red wine foods

  • Riesling
  • Gewurztraminer – one from Alsace would be preferred
  • Sherry – oloroso or amontillado
  • Viognier
  • Pinot Gris
  • Greco di Tufo – especially with pork
  • Chardonnay – varying degrees of oakiness could work

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Although these suggestions are strictly based on the main protein you will be eating, there are more ways to circumvent this particular form of snob that we shall address at another time. (Preview suggestions: disregard the protein and focus on the sauce and/or protein preparation when it comes time to choose the wine pairing.)

3. The “This is corked” snob

True, it is said that perhaps 1 in 100 bottles of wine are corked.

youdontsay

You’ll know if a wine is corked aka tainted with TCA aka 2,4,6- trichloroanisole because it smells like (to varying degrees depending on the amount of contamination) wet cardboard that has been sitting in deep, dark, dank cellar for an extended period of time.

got vom

Even this most experienced wine drinker wants to be like

THEREFORE/HOWEVER whilst speaking in terms of snobbery, let’s say this person is totally WRONG. What drove them to this damning declaration of cockiness corkiness?

Maybe their tastes just weren’t as sophisticated as they thought. Maybe their enthusiasm in ordering the most expensive wine on the menu (most likely that Grand Cru Red Burgundy bought on auction for a gazillion doll hairs) was met with a bottle whose flavor profile resembled an earth pie made by mixing 1 part fresh dirt, 2 parts pig’s blood (fresh not frozen), 1/8th horse manure, and a sprinkle of unicorn. Delicious, yet not for the inexperienced.

And you can't taste the difference between corked and properly aged wines.

And you can’t taste the difference between corked and properly cellared wines.

If this is the scenario you find yourself in, and the snob did indeed order this allegedly-corked-not-actually-corked wine, then the snob is most likely paying for it (no credit card roulette please). Thus, give a knowing eye to the Somm, acknowledging you know what they know, and move along with your meal.

Build a bridge, get over it, and let this snob suffer the tragic consequences of their actions.

dorsia2

Feast or Fashion?

Hello Lovelies,

Je sais it has been almost a fortnight since we last spoke but I’ve had other pressing matters on my plate i.e. WORK and WERK and more TWERK. Oh le travaille….

My condition: too much Blink 182 as a child.

My condition: too much Blink 182 as a child.

The good news is that this brief break in scribe has granted me time to receive a plethora of fan mail directed to your’s truly and I plan to address said fan mail in today’s post.

mail

Dear Beth,

With Fall approaching, I’m slowly breaking into my autumn garb.

My question is: Is it P.C. to wear the fur of the same animal you are eating?

Sincerely,

The Furry Fashionista

xxx

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Dearest Readress,

Thank you so much for your question. I am glad you are relying on the expertise of the Hostress to solve your fashion dilemma in a fashionably appropriate time frame. For, if you were to make the wrong decision and not consult me, you would risk being friendless and most likely banned from all realms of acceptable society by the next Harvest Moon and end up potentially looking like this:

Inappro

Inappro

Some people might be like this:

davidbowiesexy

But they’d be lying.

Totally me. Sick aviators, obvi.

Totally me. Sick aviators, obvi.

Now let’s get down to the ‘meat’ of the matter and answer the question…

noyes

The answer to your feast or fashion when it comes down to it is a resounding YES.

Still no excuse to look like a WW2 tranny, Adam

Still no excuse to look like a WW2 tranny, Adam

Fall, oh Fall, how thou art fast approaching. I must say, Fall is my favorite time of year as it is one of the only times during the year when you can make the ultimate pairing: fur & food. It is quite an experience – to be wearing an animal whilst consuming its brethren.

hannibal1

Dearest Readers, you don’t have to sacrifice feast for fashion – you can have it all.

daswassup

You see, it shows respect for the animal as you engage in what we in the culinary world like to refer to as “whole beast” dining. As the Hostress, I do declare it’s time to break out your favorite furs and fearlessly pair them with your favorite cuts.

Here are some sample scenarios:

Going for that steak for four at Peter Luger?

Channel Leatherface à la Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Dat hair. Dat ass.

Dat hair. It’s like a mighty lion soaring into the heavens.

For the more traditional diner, I recommend going for more of a Midnight Cowboy-inspired ensemble.

Tres Rive Gauche. As in, the guy on the left.

Tres Rive Gauche. As in, the guy on the left.

Holla holla holla

Holla holla holla

Going for mystery meat in Korea Town?

Channel Cher’s backpack in Clueless.

At least you wouldn't skin a collie to make your backpack? Not so fast, Cher...

At least you wouldn’t skin a collie to make your backpack? Not so fast, Cher…

Carpaccio at Il Mulino?

Only one appropriate dress for that.

meatdress

Veal breast at Ai Fiori?

May or may not get you arrested. Wrecking ball not included.

May or may not get you arrested. Wrecking ball not included.

Hopefully, you get the idea by now…

The only word to describe such conscience pairings?

delicious

Also, don’t forget to accessorize.

Something along these lines should be appro.

Something along these lines should be appro.

And finally: Don’t go overboard. Pairing feast & fashion takes a discerning eye.

A discerning eye is necessary when pairing feast and fashion.

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This post was written in honor of my main bish/fur queen G-Mac.

See: ball of the fur on the right.

See: ball of the fur on the right.